March 22nd, 2012: It had been a really tough week. Initial tests showed that my mom's cancer may be back... and back in a bad way. Even before he knew for sure, the doctor was preparing us for the worst. Something they usually don't do before they are certain.

My mom has been cancer free for years now, but when she had it a handful of years back, it was a very aggressive type, and if it was back, it was not going to be good.

Waiting is torture. Especially when it's something like this. I went through all these different emotions... I mean it's my mom... and I'm what you might call a mamma's boy:) I love her more than anything. I felt, scared, sad, scared again, confused, anxious, depressed, angry, helpless, stoic then totally emotional.... and then like a little kid... I'd even try denial for a few moments at a time. Waiting for something definitive... it was a long week.

It was Thursday, the day before the results were to be in, I'd gotten to a point where I was thinking about life... about death... I had put myself in a place of reflection of trying to just be able to accept whatever news came in... so that I could be there for my mom and yet also stay connected to my own feelings... and then everyone else in the family too. We all have our roles when something hard happens in life... and I wanted to fill mine in a meaningful way... a Christ centered way, that was good, honest, real. I had somewhere to be that day... I had an hour before I had to walk out the door but I had a full heart. It had that song feeling. Like something needed to happen. So I sat down at my old piano and found these simple chords and started singing and writing these words and melodies. I was thinking about how much energy I put into things in life that don't matter and how insignificant those things are at a moment like this. I was thinking about how beautiful life is... how fleeting and how it's just about right NOW. I'm alive. She's alive. Alive.

The next morning we got the news: She was fine. Wow. Wow. Wow. My wife Natalie and I cried and hugged and couldn't believe the instant relief that flooded out bodies. JOY.

We both made shirts with iron on letters that said "It's Benign!" and wore them when we went over to my parents house to celebrate her health.

What I kept thinking was: SHE WAS FINE THE WHOLE TIME! It was just a scare. Funny how things like this are... you go on this crazy ride... my first thought was how lame that is. But then I felt thankful... it's things like this that God uses sometimes to snap you back to reality, but to connection, back to what matters.

I'm so grateful for music, for songwriting, singing, recording... the whole process... this song reminded me in a big way, why I need it, why I love it, that for me it's not about anything but expression and connection. I hope you connect in some way to it. Thanks for reading:)... You're Alive. Celebrate.

THE SONG: This song is kind of like the centerpiece for this new phase of my life and music. Centerpiece is putting it lightly. But don't let all that centerpiece business effect you hearing the song and just letting it be what it is to you. That'd be a shame... actually listen to the song first.... then if you're bored, read this.... okay, anyways, back to centerpieces:

Like the song "Murder Yesterday" was for my last album, it was this song that made me feels that burn to put something out. An album ish thing. That burn has to burn it's way through a lot of junk (self, doubt, lame idiot thinking, fear, pessimism about whether or not anyone will care etc.). Sometimes the burn just spoils stuff.... other times it burns off the junk and good things happen... I didn't think I'd be back here ready to put my music out... and being all happied up and excited to share it.

And now here I am writing this.

I had put myself in a bad place. I knew a cared too much about my need for writing recording and singing my own music. I know that sounds weird.... but I did.. I do... I care about the need itself, I care about it all... and I REALLY care about the connection part connecting first to myself then hopeful the song can go out and connect to like-minded like-hearted humans. So for me this need to create and connect.... well, it's on that short "basic survival essentials" list:
Air
Water
Food
Self-expression/connection
blah
blah
blah

The Lord should come above all of that... and He does... as much as I can muster... but, unfortunately I suck and I'm a big failure with the whole "priorities" thing sometimes. I"m working on it, though. Always and forever, Amen:)

All throughout 2011 I put a lot of energy into squashing my own dreams, while attempting to build new ones from scratch. Building Dreams can be tough work, as it turns out. The old ones never quite die... even when you write a whole album called "Murder Yesterday" in a partial attempt to kill some of them dead dead dead.... and then "oh?, what's that over there in the ashes?"... something survived.

So the fire is re-lit. It burns differently now. Less like a brush fire more like a oil-fire in a desert. Hotter than before, because it's controlled in ways it should be... and then completely out of control in other ways. I've never been more alive... more full of creative energy. Less full of pointless turmoil.... now it's just the turmoil with a point; my favorite kind:) The kind that I can only hope and pray comes from the guidance of the Lord to create something He can use for his purposes... love, grace...

I know a great young artist. She struggles with a lot of the same things I do.... yet in her own unique way. I witnessed this artist breakdown. I understood it. Empathized with it. All the stuff I was dealing with... in my own controlled way... started to come loose... the next day I started this song. I have her to thank for shaking a few bricks loose. For adding a spark to the tinder. Thank you.

THE RECORDING: This song started with two things; a gut feeling of being inspired... and hearing a beat on a fighters walkout music in the UFC! The backbeats of this groove had this huge blend of claps and snares and whatevers... like an angry mob was involved in this massive tribal/rock/hip-hop groove. I ran out into the studio and created my own version. I a layered real drums, some real drum samples... I clapped, I stomped, I hit some random things in the studio... distorted bits of it... left some things imperfect, put others right in the pocket... and made the kick as huge as I could.

Once I had the beat and the initial chords, I instantly knew what I was writing about; a combo plate... what had happened the day before with this artist was flickering in my mind... and when I thought about it more consciously I realized how much was going on in me with this subject of healing and reemerging from a feeling of being kind of broken and sort of numb inside. As I was writing this, I started to realize the chorus was in a key that didn't sound like I wanted it too in my full voice... I didn't want THAT much, or that KIND of intensity to be there... didn't want it to feel screamed..... I wanted a more legato intensity... so, I sang it in falsetto and doubled it... then doubled that an octave down (a few times) and then asked my wife Natalie to sing in full voice the octave up. I blended it all together and what you hear is this sort of eerie mini-choir effect.

This had become kinda my theme song for this new period of my life:) them song sounds little corny... it just means a lot to me... that's better:) Hope you like it. Crank it up... pump the air-shocks on your lowered El Camino, put your seat way back and nod along to it on the 5 freeway.

THE SONG: This song is about the conditions of attempting unconditional love. This song is one of the most direct songs I've written, lyrically. Just plain speaking throughout a lot of it. There was something so thick and direct about this groove that I just felt like the lyrics should be direct too. There was this 5% Dr Dre/Jay Z hip hop thing happening in the groove and the sort of semi-orchestral riff. I don't know why or how... wait maybe I do. I think I may have seen the Jay Z "Classic Albums" documentary around this time. I love Jay Z's flow and the way his lyrics sort of wrap around themselves phrasing and rhyme wise. It tickles my drummer-bone. Did that sound wrong? Anyways, rap is so percussive and all about words, and being a drummer it was bound to happen someday. So I went for it.

Yes folks, I "rapped".

Well, sort of... it's in the bridge... It's sort of an in between rap/sing thing. It just felt right so I did it. I hope it doesn't hurt anybody or make anyone barf! It's honest though I promise. And frankly, it felt good! I'm clearly a little insecure about it... but not enough to delete it. Had to go with my gut on this one.

There's this blueprint I've had in my head for years now... like a recipe for songs that feels really authentic to me. Where there's something lyrically to really chew on... a certain amount of poetic depth and personal juiciness... something rhythmically interesting and ballsy... something in the harmonic structure that feels in some way connected to classical music with a tiny touch of blues... an emotional melody that brings out the lyric... and then a a timeless, earthiness in the recording. Something to feel, something to think about and something to stimulate the ears and the body (the groove). That to me is the ultimate... when all of that comes together in this certain way. It feels like "me".... for whatever that's worth.

If you peruse my back catalog you can hear this recipe in songs like "Critical Condition", "Come Around Again", "You Say"... and then a song that I'll release here soon, called "Back To You" which is one of my favorites.

I digress. As usual.

THE RECORDING: This song like so many others was written and recorded at the same time. I was building the track and writing everything all as one process. This for me is the best way to drench every element with the meaning of the song and it's inspiration. When the writing and recording is disconnected I feel there is a loss somewhere. The drums were built on a series of layers. I used single hits I'd recorded to build half of the first half of the song... then played over that lightly.... then when the second verse starts you can hear another drum track come in. This one is more of a normal full performance style groove, that's playing a long to the "loop" of real drums that I'd built. I like to feel the motor of the "designed" organic loop drums with the feel of a drum take. It's a cool energy. I'm not the first to think that! But, I like to try to find unique ways to do it, so I'm not just calling up a plugin and playing some loop designed by someone else... I must customize or it feels fake!

Then there's the riff, that's doubled with two different pianos and those marcatto strings, with bass hitting with the kick.

I toyed with adding guitars to this song and it just felt totally wrong. So... sorry guitars, maybe next time. I also avoided the urge to keep added stuff to the last chorus's. I feel like this chorus is more of a mantra than a "Chorus!!!!!" that needed to be self-consciously building to a mountain top peak... so I kept it pretty simple.

Vintage Telefunken U47 mic through the 1073 Neve into the Retro 176 compressor for the vocals. then in protools it's the Slate channel plguins (set to the Neve setting) then a Puigchild compressor, an SSL channel strip and Tapehead plugin for some pseudo analog action.

the mix went out my NEVE summing mixer through the Hammer EQ then to the Obsidian compressor and lastly through a Lavry Gold A/D convertor into Peak for mastering. Bam!

Send me a video of you rapping along to the bridge and... I'll be happy.

Bye!

Adam

THE SONG: I would say one of the central focuses of my personal and artistic life is my near obsession with how thoughts relate to feelings and feelings to thoughts. It's a chicken or the egg thing. Who's in charge? My heart? My head? Are they the same thing? Are they battling each other to control my poor helpless body... my actions...? Which do I trust? How I feel? Or what I think? What I think about how I feel? What I feel about how or what I think? what's the purpose of a thought? A feeling? what does it all mean!?!?! Which one is the Lord speaking to me through? Both? Neither? One or the other at different times? How do I delineate between what might be some subconscious junk that's leaking up through my conscious mind and what is just an on the surface logical thing in the moment? What about the genetic side of things? Do I think and feel the way I do because I'm "programmed" this way genetically? Or is that just passing the buck? A cop-out? What about people who deal with addiction? Depression? Anxiety etc. etc.?

We're all victims of ourselves in some way... how do we really know what's what? What's Why?! Who's who?! How?! Where?! Ahhhhhhhhh!

Is the answer to all these questions just a resounding YES?

Maybe!

Okay, calm down Watts. Do I enjoy all these mental and emotional gymnastics? Sometimes. Really, I just feel that it's important. Because how we feel and what we think drives our actions.... and our actions have great impact on ourselves and everyone else around us.... and then the culmination of all that... and all of us... THAT creates the world we live in... It's all so massively important to the well being of our souls. God help us all:)

If you don't deal with this conundrum I applaud you.... and I sometimes wanna be you:) Unless you're in denial, in which case, I hope you get help! I hope we all do!:)

Assessing all this and fighting my way through it is my personal-artistic "cross to bear" in a lot of ways.

This song is about all of this. It's about my realization that there's this Berlin Style Wall sometimes between my heart and my head... it's guarded by stoic officers with guns and there's barbed wire and maybe even a moat with alligators, piranha and bacterial yuckiness.

So, I've been really working to knock down this wall and let the east and the west form a treaty... can't we all get a long? C'mon brain, c'mon heart, ya'll live in the same building, let's figure it out together... respect each other... you're both so important! Don't you get it, you'd die without each other!

I joke, but it's only funny sometimes:) This song is serious business for Mr. Me... so I hope you connect to it in some way.

There was a lot of emotional turmoil in my life around this time and I remember writing and recording this at all in one night when I was REALLY feeling it all. I had that rare feeling of empathy for myself. Which is a weird and kind of beautiful thing.

I'd talk more about the process of writing it, but I really don't remember that as much as I do just the overall feeling surrounding it. That happens sometimes.. a lot of the time.

This song is dedicated to all you introverts out there, who get stuck in your head sometimes and forget to feel... or to respect your own feelings and forget to share who you really are with people you care about. This is for you... for us.

THE RECORDING: Maybe I'm exhausted from writing all that stuff above... but I can't seem to remember this recording that much either. I remember sitting at the drums playing. I remember putting up my old Remo Piccolo snare because I was feeling a little bit Stewart Copeland on this. The lyrics were crying out for an aggressive frustrated snappiness, so I went with it.

I do remember (because I can hear it) that I used my new vocal mic. It's by Sontronics and it's called the Helios. It's brighter and more present than my U47... it was up and plugged in, so I used it.

Based on my foggy recollection, this song was written and recorded from about 6pm to about 11pm and then it was done and mixed and it what you hear now. I didn't touch it afterwards... sometimes I feel like that's the most pure way to do things like this. Hopefully that's a good thing. Hopefully you connect to it.

THE VIDEO: There was a carnival near my house so I went down with my camera. I find these blow up air people things to be amazing... or maybe mesmerizing is the better word. When I set it to this song it just hit me. the painted on smile and bug eyes, the insanity of it, the wacked out tube-body, out of control and rhythmic, the light in the background that sometimes becomes a heart in it's body... the whole thing... as stupid as it sounds I connected to it once the music was under it. I had a good time chasing it around with my lens. Right now it's probably all deflated in a box somewhere.... still smiling.

:)

Adam's heart and Adam's head.

I think we all have a deep yearning for meaning. Those of us who believe in God... and specifically Jesus... often end up faced with the internal battle that life isn't always easy and that God should somehow quick-fix it... and we find it doesn't always work that way... there's still pain... and that can be difficult to deal with until... or unless, we understand that we are here on earth in a beautiful yet at times, harsh reality; Where freewill truly exists and facilitates not only the good stuff, but also all the sin, pain and brokenness around us ... The truth is that even though God is with us, we live in an imperfect world... But hope is essential and available in a way that isn't trite, fake or shallow... rather, it's the result of an open hearted, authentic foundation of belief, acceptance and that four letter word L%$# (love). :)

THE SONG: This one is about connectedness, disconnectedness, selfishness, self-imposed loneliness... the distance between two people... but more than anything it's about choice. How we choose to deal with all that stuff when things are intense.

It's about the tendency some of us have to self-protect when a certain kind of vulnerability emerges. When we don't feel safe, it's easy to recoil and disconnect. It's almost reflexive sometimes... so immediate and reactive that we forget there's a choice involved. I do anyway.

Most of us have heard about the concept of co-dependcy (i.e. "I need you to need me" syndrome)... that's when there's too much of an unhealthy kind of connection... in those cases a certain amount of disconnection is good. In other cases though, we run and hide.... disconnect.... out of fear, anger, or mistrust or whatever.

I was thinking about all of this... Feeling about all this... About how that choice we make to recognize what's going on inside of ourselves is so important... self awareness... the idea that we can be choosing a route that's totally against love and grace, without even realizing it. I've done it many times:( and it always ends up at bummerville.

The verse is about that protected and stoic feeling. The chorus is about the intense desire I have in those disconnected moments, to rise above and go toward love, grace and empathy... to rise above those reactive feelings, understand them, and attempt to overcome them and be better.

So, I guess I know why I wrote/recorded this, but I can barely remember exactly when and how. I just know it was sometime in the middle of the months we were working on the Cherri Bomb album at the end of 2011. Those were really busy times and I was juggling a lot of things; in my career and my personal life. Also. as an artist I needed badly to continue to express... and this song happened one night. I forgot about it until months later I ran across it on my hard drive. That's when I completed it. I'm glad it's coming out now... I hope you enjoy it.


THE RECORDING: It's weird to not have many memories of writing and recording this song. I vaguely recall little bits.... playing this drum groove, little moments of playing piano. playing the synth bass in verse two, the lead guitar before the outro chorus and those strings at the end.

I used these old thin trashy hi hats that were like $50 from guitar center... cheapo-trash cymbals that sound awesome. I played with a looser feel than I usually do, to give it a kind of plodding feeling. I like these sort thematic style drum parts... the 16th pattern on the hi-hat is fighting against the 8ths on the piano... just like my heart is fighting my mind in the lyrics. I like that. Was I thinking that at the time? Probably not. Those things emerge later. In the moment it's mostly following my gut. While checking with the ol' cranium along the way.

If you listen close, you can hear my finger nails on the old Steinway Upright piano, and the old hammers clacking. I record it with the top open and the mics just outside the top, so you can hear the room a little... I used Great River Mic Pres (Neve style) and two AKG 451s.

I've really been digging the way these synth bass combinations are working against such analog organic instruments... It's like there's this lush forest of trees and then underground, all the trees have mechanical roots with gears and pistons and steam and grease:) The lowend underworld... Like MAd Max meets Braveheart... haha... same actor! Anyways, I like those two things together... it feels like heart and mind as well. The warmth of the heart with the logic and mechanical qualities of the mind... hmmm...

There's a decent amount of the Massey TAPEHEAD plugin on various instruments at various settings... giving it that slight distortion gushiness.

Okay bye!

:)A

THE SONG: Hard to talk about this song. I'll try though. It's about the best and worst of me and how they battle it out every day... Some days more than others. The closest I could get to naming these sides was as a Lion and a Lamb... stupid me; I wasn't really thinking in terms of any biblical symbolic meaning of those animals at the time I wrote this...they just seemed to fit as I was trying to sort this stuff out in my head. There's this tough as nails, driven, determined, almost stoic, perfectionist side of me... and there's this gentle, measured, thoughtful, vulnerable side. Both are 100% real. What I didn't realize until later was that both have their good and bad sides. It's not as black and white as their names suggest. Like anything that involves the collision of thought and emotion, it's not simple.

In some ways it feels like it's that classic image of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, each whispering in an ear to influence the poor helpless human:) It's not exactly that though. The closest I can come to understanding this duality in me is that the Lion is primal, instinctual and the Lamb is reflective, spiritual, overtly emotional without acting on it until there's understanding... the Lamb is careful... the Lion has a fire in it's belly, the Lamb cries.

I don't know.

THE RECORDING: I started recording this while I was writing it. It started as one song, for one purpose and kept morphing until it became this. The piano came first. It's my 100 year old Steinway Upright which starts out being filtered through HP and LP filters on an SSL Plugin. This piano has so many great harmonics/textures in every register so it's cool to hear those come out when it's filtered.

Next came the drums. Which are a blend of highly tweaked electronic drums from this amazing little keyboard called the OP-1 (made by Teenage Engineering). This thing is crazy cool. Super small and weird. Google it.

Then I laid down a blend of a few different stereo synth basses (Omnisphere and Vacuum etc.) that I tweaked and distorted and also stereo widened. I do this by bussing them to two mono aux tracks and then I time delay one side by about 1200 samples; instant WIDENER... frees up the middle of the stereo spectrum.

Then I added real drums. I wanted this song to sound organic, but have that sense that under the earth there were ominous gears, steam engines, machine arms and pistons (hence the synth basses and electro-drums). This song is all about what's under the surface so those layers were important to have reflected in the track... I should mention also, that this stuff (while I'm doing it) tends to be very "Lion"... instinctual and not all that conscious in the moment. I trust that when it feels right, it is right... I guess there's a Producer Lion & Lamb thing going on too:) Weird. Back to the drums! So, I doubled what I had on the electro-drums, then added this syncopated groove for the chorus... I then hard panned each and had them battling - Lion Drums on the left... Lamb Drums on the right:)

There are layers of bells and other orchestral elements in there as well. I wanted a legato cinematic thing happening over all the driving rhythmic stuff. Contrast was important in this.

Vocally, everything is semi-doubled as well. Sung on a great new mic I bought at Namm called the Helios by Sontronics (England). Great mic... and only about $800... as opposed the $7500 for my U47!). It does something all it's own... more clear and open.

All of this goes through my NEVE Summing Mixer, then to a HAMMER EQ by A-Designs and a Stereo Bus Compressor called an Obsidian... which I love (hear those Jensen Transformers juice it all up).

Enjoy!

:)Adam

THE SONG: A song about the sacrificial side of love. Acceptance, grace, sacrifice. This song is so direct that I'll let the song do the talking. There's definitely a big part of the sentiment of this song that is rooted in what Christ did on the cross.

THE RECORDING: I thought about taking this song to a more full production place... but it just kept feeling like something was getting lost. So I let it be what it is... open and pretty simple overall. Maybe someday I'll do another version once this one has it's life... I think it will work both ways, but this way is my favorite for getting the feeling across. I remember right after I wrote and recorded this song, I brought a rough mix of it up to Jack Joseph Puig's studio at Ocean Way. We were mixing the FALLBORN album at the time and he was always great about checking out new songs and really listening... this time, he took us into this nutty little room where another legendary engineer, Allen Sides (Ocean Way owner) builds and tests his custom studio monitors. These things are massive "producer monitors" like around 5 feet tall and maybe 3-4 feet wide... like a big club P.A. in a tiny room.... we cranked up this song and listened. It was fun... it sounded like my voice was in my head.. which it usually is:) but this time it was like a monster version of it in there. Just insane separation and clarity. But just way over the top at the same time....... Ever since then I've wanted to find a time to put this song out.... I'm not sure why it hasn't felt right until now... but it feels right.

VOCALS: This is my Telenfunken U47 through the NEVE 1073 into a Retro 176 compressor through an Apogee into protools. then there's a PuigChild on the channel (appropriate eh?!) then an SSL channel for EQ.

The reverb on this track (a little on everything) is a blend of a Lexicon PCM 91 Hall verb mixed with a Space Station Plugin on the "Spacey Echo" setting... love that... so epic.

All of this goes out through my NEVE Summing Mixer, through an Obsidian Compressor (skipping the HAMMER EQ) and into the LAVRY GOLD into PEAK PRO to master.

Hope you like it.

:)A


P.S. For some reason this song made me think of this author today as I was writing this... so I found a good video from him. Check it out if you're in that kind of mood:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1l5BtYy2axY

It's a great video from author John Townsend, one of the coolest Christian authors around.... he's intelligent and on point. Love it. It's a long video... but I particularly liked what he said near the top about not confusing God with people:) Good one.