Esselda
My eyes are closed
but I'm awake.
My body sleeps,
this dark is fake.
I try to scream,
you slit my throat.
the water rises
I cannot float.
--Chorus:
A scar self-inflicted
a memory born
a tear you collected
a soul, you adorn
Oo-oo
Adorn oo-oo
--Verse 2
A heart of glass,
this shattered past,
Numb to touch,
we didn't last.
Inject my viens
with anxiety
I kissed the cage
of this reality
--Bridge:
Oh god save me
Redemption restore me.
Or death find me
Despair embrace me
I'm sorry for the pitchy melody :( This is as good as I could get after working on it for hours.
The melody and initial lyrics for this song popped into my mind around 3am one night. I liked the melody, but as I continued writing it I didn't feel that the lyrics weren't to the depth/authenticity that I wanted the song to be. I had chosen "despair" as my descriptor at the beginning of the semester to write my song on. Weeks later, the current lyrics started as a poem I came up with, also around 3 am. The content is pulled from probably the darkest time in my life during my junior year of college. My parents had temporarily separated and the pain from a past relationship returned to haunt me. I found myself feeling very alone, probably depressed, and wishing for a way out. Another relationship brought temporary light in the darkness, but quickly led to more betrayal and feelings of manipulation that ever before. Almost every night of my spring semester in 2017 I was up until 4 or 5am unable to fall asleep because my mind was so full of anxiety and regret. There was hardly a day I didn't cry or wish something horrible would happen to me so that could escape the pain. During this time, I experienced several nights of sleep paralysis where I literally thought I was dying. It felt like I was being pulled downwards and if I didn't fight to stay conscious, I would die. I was unable to move or scream. It was one of the most terrifying feelings I have ever experienced. Some of the lyrics from the first verse are pulled from this. Throughout this time I was crying out to God for help and bring me out of the dark that I was in. The second verse is more directly addressing the relationships I had been in and the brokenness I felt after they ended. The chorus and song title, Adorn, expresses how Christ in a sense "adorns" us in our pain. We grow in our faith and become deeper people through pain. I am now on the other side of this time in my life and I can truly say that I am grateful to God.
Profile

About Caitlin: Hello! I am relatively new to the world of songwriting. I have always had an affinity for prose and poetry but never thought to try my hand at lyric writing until last Spring. It has become a new creative...[more]Hello! I am relatively new to the world of songwriting. I have always had an affinity for prose and poetry but never thought to try my hand at lyric writing until last Spring. It has become a new creative outlet for me, different from my career-oriented passion of film scoring but still within the same realm of music. I have always felt that I usually connect more to music with lyrics than instrumental music. Perhaps it is easier for me to relate to. In my own songwriting, I find my most emotionally raw material comes from the darker valleys in my life than the mountain tops. As depressing as that may sound, it has helped me to process those moments and learn to let them go. I hesitate to call myself a singer-songwriter because the thought of singing in front of anyone is anxiety-inducing haha. But I absolutely love composing lyrics and finding the tension between explicit meaning and colourful metaphor. [collapse]
Caitlin Foster
Biola University B.M. Music Composition
(current senior)
Current Experience:
Previous Experience: Song Making class with Adam Watts.
Goals:
Immediate: Dive deeper into songwriting & maybe learn to sing a few of my own songs....[more]Dive deeper into songwriting & maybe learn to sing a few of my own songs. Figure out if I would like to pursue songwriting as part of my career or more of a creative outlet/passion project. [collapse]
Within 1 Year: Graduate college, secure a stable part-time job & land 3 gigs as an independent composer.
Within 3 Years: Be at least part-time employed in the film or game music industry. I would love to be an assistant for...[more]Be at least part-time employed in the film or game music industry. I would love to be an assistant for a top film composer - Giacchino, Brian Tyler, Elfman, or John Powell. [collapse]
Within 5 Years: I would like to be fully employed in the film or game scoring industry. I would also love to be married...[more]I would like to be fully employed in the film or game scoring industry. I would also love to be married and starting a family. [collapse]
Artist Q&A
The Big Five Aspects Scale - Caitlin's results:
Agreeableness: 95% (Compassion: 91%, Politeness: 94%)
Conscientiousness: 78% (Industriousness: 50%, Orderliness: 90%) You[more]You are high in conscientiousness, which is the primary dimension of dutiful achievement in the Big Five personality trait scientific model. Conscientiousness is a measure of obligation, attention to detail, hard work, persistence, cleanliness, efficiency and adherence to rules, standards and processes. Conscientious people implement their plans and establish and maintain order. Your score puts you at the 78th percentile for conscientiousness. If you were one of 100 people in a room, you would be more conscientious than 78 of them and less conscientious than 21 of them. People high in conscientiousness are dutiful. They slog away until the work is done. They work hard and dislike wasting time. They are unlikely to procrastinate (particularly if they are also below average in neuroticism). If a highly conscientious person promises to do something, he or she will probably do it, even in troubled circumstances, without excuses. They are decisive, neat, organized, future-oriented, reliable and not easily distracted. Highly conscientious people are likely to obtain higher grades in academic settings (particularly if they are also intelligent), and make good administrators and managers. They need to have everything in its proper place, and tend to be concerned detail. They want to do things by the book. Highly conscientious people can be prone to guilt (although they are likely to organize their lives so that they have little to feel guilty about). Highly conscientious people are also susceptible to shame, self-disgust and self-contempt. Individuals who are highly conscientious can react badly to failure (particularly if they are also above average in neuroticism). They are judgemental and easily disgusted by their own moral transgressions, as well as those of others. They suffer shame and guilt when unemployed or otherwise unoccupied, even when that occurs through no fault of their own. Highly conscientious people are also fundamentally committed to personal responsibility. They tend to be convinced that those who work hard should and will be rewarded, and that those who dont deserve their failure. They are more concerned than average with hygiene, moral purity and achievement. They can tend towards micro-management and control. Highly conscientious people are more likely to be political conservatives, rather than liberal (particularly if they are also low in openness). Women are very slightly more conscientious than men. The mean percentile for women in a general population (women and men) is 51.5. For men it is 49.5. Conscientiousness has two aspects: industriousness and orderliness. [collapse]
Extraversion: 25% (Enthusiasm: 41%, Assertiveness: 18%) You[more]You are moderately low in extraversion, which is the primary dimension of positive emotion in the Big Five personality trait scientific model. You could also think of yourself as moderately high in introversion. Extraversion is a measure of general sensitivity to positive emotions such as hope, joy, anticipation and approach, particularly in social situations. Your score puts you at the 25th percentile for extraversion. If you were one of 100 people in a room, you would be less extraverted than 74 of them and more extraverted than 25 of them. People with moderately low levels of extraversion are not particularly enthusiastic, talkative, assertive in social situations, or gregarious. They tend to find excessive social contact draining and tiring, and crave time alone to recharge. They are less likely to plan parties, tell jokes, make people laugh, or volunteer for community activities. They are somewhat more likely to be depressed and to have lower levels of self-esteem (particularly if they are high in neuroticism). They are less optimistic about the past, present and future. People who are moderately low in extraversion find it relatively easy to keep things to themselves. They are not compelled to share everything with everyone. They are not particularly self-disclosing and do not warm up quickly to other people. They are more comfortable with one-to-one interactions than in a group-oriented situation. They are rarely the first to speak in meetings, although they will express an opinion if asked. They are less likely to captivate and convince, and will rarely be the first to act in an ambiguous situation. People who are moderately low in extraversion are better suited to occupations that require work alone or with a few other well-known individuals (such as computer programming or accounting). Jobs involving sales, persuasion, work in groups and public speaking are unlikely to appeal to them, and they are less likely to be successful at such things (particularly if they are also high in neuroticism). People moderately low in extraversion are relatively unlikely to be impulsive, even when offered the opportunity to do something exciting or fun. They are therefore less likely to sacrifice the future to the present, when something social or group-oriented beckons. They find it relatively easy to be alone to study and work. They are not easily distracted by opportunities to chat, joke and socialize. This is particularly the case if they are also high in conscientiousness. However, when people are introverted and conscientious, they are less productive than when extraverted and conscientiousness, perhaps because they have lower levels of energy. When introverted and comparatively unconscientiousness, however, they are more productive than when extraverted and unconscientious. People moderately low in extraversion tend to be less dominant in social situations, particularly if they are also low in agreeableness. Less agreeable extraverts tend to be self-centered something that can be made worse if they are also low in conscientiousness. More introverted people are somewhat protected against such tendencies. Those who are politically liberal are slightly less extraverted than conservatives. Women are slightly more extraverted than men. The mean percentile for women in a general population (women and men) is 52. For men it is 48. Extraversion has two aspects: Enthusiasm and Assertiveness. [collapse]
Neuroticism: 61% (Withdrawal: 91%, Volatility: 21%)
Openness to Experience: 94% (Intellect: 82%, Openness: 95%) You[more]You are very high in openness to experience, which is the primary dimension of creativity, artistic interest and intelligence (particularly verbal intelligence) in the Big Five personality trait scientific model. Openness to experience is a measure of interest in novelty, art, literature, abstract thinking, philosophy as well as sensitivity to aesthetic emotions and beauty. Your score puts you at the 94th percentile for openness to experience. If you were one of 100 people in a room, you would be higher in openness to experience than 94 of them and lower in openness to experience than 5 of them. People with very high levels of openness to experience are extremely likely to be characterized by others as uncommonly smart, creative, exploratory, intelligent and visionary. They are strikingly interested in learning, and are constantly acquiring new abilities and skills. They are very curious and exploratory. They are very interested in abstract thinking, philosophy, and the meaning of belief systems and ideologies. They will seek out cultural events such as movies, concerts, dance recitals, plays, poetry readings, gallery openings and art shows. They are unusually likely to enjoy writing (or even to be driven to write). They enjoy complex, abstract ideas and love to confront and solve complex, abstract and multi-dimensional problems. They are uncommonly likely to be prolific readers, with an unusually wide range of interests. They have an uncommonly broad and deep vocabulary. They can think and learn with striking speed. They are frequently proficient at formulating new ideas, and very strongly tend to be articulate (particularly if average or above in extraversion). People very high in openness can see old things in strikingly new ways. They can formulate any single problem in an uncommonly diverse range of ways, and can generate an atypically large number of problem-solving solutions. They will continually seek change, often to make things better, but also just for the sake of change. People who are very high in openness to experience are not well adapted to and do not do well in situations or occupations that are routinized and predictable. They do not fit in at all well at the bottom of hierarchies. They are uncommonly ill-suited to entry-level, repetitive, rote positions, because they are always thinking up new ways to do things, and such ideas are seldom welcome from someone at the bottom. They are very radical thinkers. They shake things up, particularly if they are also disagreeable and assertive. They are more likely to be revolutionary rebels (particularly if average or below in conscientiousness). Individuals very high in openness to experience are entrepreneurial in spirit, as well as smart and creative. They have very much higher than average interest in creating new ventures, sometimes for profit, sometimes for curiosity, and sometimes for personal transformation. Very high levels of openness to experience appear necessary to the formation and leadership of business and other forms of complex organization, although conscientiousness appears required for the attention to detail and process management that such organizations also always need. Because people who are very high in openness to experience tend to be interested in everything, this can make it hard for them to settle on a single path in life, to specialize to a necessary degree, and to create an integrated identity. This is particularly dangerous if they are high in neuroticism and/or low in conscientiousness. People characterized by the combination of high openness to experience and high neuroticism continually undermine their own convictions and beliefs by incessant questioning and make themselves lost and anxious. Open, unconscientious people tend to be under-achievers (particularly if also above average in neuroticism). Such people appear to have the capability to succeed, can learn quickly, and are creative, but they seldom implement their ideas. Openness to experience is the dimension that best predicts political allegiance (with conscientiousness, particularly the aspect of orderliness, coming in at second place). Those who are liberal, politically, are very much more likely to be high in openness to experience than conservatives. Women and men differ very little in openness to experience at the trait level, although there are differences in the aspect levels. Trait openness to experience is made up of the aspects of intellect and openness. [collapse]
Enneagram Personality Assessment - Caitlin's Results:
Type 1: The Reformer
(Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic.)
Type 2: The Helper
(Generous, Demonstrative, People-Pleasing, and Possessive.)
Type 3: The Achiever
(Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious.) Generally,[more]Generally, Threes are effective, competent, adaptable, goal-oriented, ambitious, organized, diplomatic, charming, into performance, and image-conscious. Threes get into conflicts by being expedient, excessively driven, competitive, self-promoting, "appropriate" instead of sincere, boastful, and grandiose. At their best, Threes are inner-directed, authentic, modest, admirable, well-adjusted, gracious, interested in others, and self-accepting. [collapse]
Type 4: The Individualist
(Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental.)
Type 5: The Investigator
(Perceptive, Innovative, Secretive, and Isolated.)
Type 6: The Loyalist
(Engaging, Responsible, Anxious, and Suspicious.) Generally,[more]Generally, Sixes are reliable, hard-working, organizing, vigilant, dutiful, evaluating, persevering, cautious, anxious, believing and doubting, conservative and liberal. Sixes get into conflicts by being pessimistic, defensive, evasive, negative, worrying, doubtful, negativistic, reactive, suspicious, and blaming. At their best, Sixes are courageous, cooperative, disciplined, grounded, secure, faithful, self-expressive, funny, and affectionate. [collapse]
Type 7: The Enthusiast
(Spontaneous, Versatile, Acquisitive, and Scattered.)
Type 8: The Challenger
(Self-Confident, Decisive, Willfull, and Confrontational.)
Type 9: The Peacemaker
(Receptive, Reassuring, Complacent, and Resigned.) Generally,[more]Generally, Nines are patient, steady, easygoing, receptive, relaxed, unselfconscious, agreeable, uncomplicated, contented, comforting, sensual, and idealizing. Nines get into conflicts by being emotionally unavailable, complacent, inattentive, unaware of their own anger, ineffectual, passive-aggressive, unrealistic, resigned, and stubborn. At their best, Nines are self-aware, dynamic, inclusive, steadfast, healing, proactive, contemplative, natural, imaginative, serene, and exuberant, engaged and passionate. [collapse]